apex gaming88 The Silent Weight Of Separation

Art and Life: Untitled artwork by Naina Dalal Photo: | Courtesy: Gallery splash Art and Life: Untitled artwork by Naina Dalal Photo: | Courtesy: Gallery splash

“What does it feel like to be lonely? It feels like being hungry: like being hungry when everyone around you is readying for a feast. It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged. It hurts, in the way that feelings do, and it also has physical consequences that take place invisibly, inside the closed compartments of the body. It advances, is what I’m trying to say, cold as ice and clear as glass, enclosing and engulfing.”

This quote from Olivia Laing’s book The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone, where she talks about navigating loneliness, resonated with me. The other day, while promoting her new film, Angelina Jolie spoke about dealing with loneliness amid the divorce proceedings with Brad Pitt. She said she felt lonely despite being surrounded by family, friends and her children and that she is still figuring out how to live life on her own. Her words felt personal.

I have always viewed separations in black and white—never understood the nuances and layers. Until I had to deal with my divorce. In the beginning, I found myself explaining endlessly to my family about the choice I had made. The constant over-explaining to those who are close to me drained my energy. It was chaotic. However, after everyone went quiet, my own silence began bothering me. It followed me everywhere. Loneliness became my constant companion. It did not make a dramatic entry into my life. The ugly monster sneaked in and stayed.

It’s been more than three years since we decided to go our separate ways. But even today, the most mundane activities are painful to deal with. I wake up on an empty bed, the bed that my partner and I once shared. We would eat meals together but now I eat alone. I don’t have anyone with whom I can share things with. The memories of waking him up every morning, making tea for him and waiting for him to return started haunting me. Activities or spaces that were once shared with love and joy started triggering me. Buying groceries and cooking meals in the same kitchen that was once shared are two such activities.

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After the separation, I started questioning the choices I had made. I was angry because people didn’t know how to show up for me. Many of my friends simply disappeared. Some stayed but kept their distance. The sudden disappearance of some friends disturbed me a lot because they had meant the world to me.

People said a lot of things probably to console me, but their words ended up hurting me more. They said, for instance, that it’s good that we don’t have kids together. That hurt. A lot. What one of the friends said has stayed with me though. She said this must have been be a difficult and painful process because family and friends as well as the trolls were speaking the same language. That is true.

On top of all this was the legal process that was exhausting and lonely. Not having any support during this phase made me even more isolated. It was exhausting for me to explain my situation to everyone around me so one day I decided to choose silence. Adopting silence was easier than explaining to people over and over again that I tried staying in the relationship for as long as I could. Even after it ended. I stayed because I was afraid of losing my partner. But I did not have it in me to stay longer than I did.

In those silent moments, I realised that I wasn’t mourning the separation but the life I had imagined together. I always imagined us growing old and having a family. In those silent moments, I also realised that I was consciously choosing loneliness. I avoided public gatherings because entering a room full of people triggered my anxiety. My room ended up becoming my comfort zone.

I also realised that a legal separation or dealing with loneliness is harsher for women. In our society, marriage is seen as some sort of a sacred arrangement when it comes to women. Back to being single was perceived as a failure. The world I was living in had no idea where to place me. I wasn’t married but I wasn’t single either. My existence was neither here nor there. While I was still coming to terms with my new status, people around me gradually started disappearing.

The social isolation broke me beyond repair. The fact that my friends did not call me or check on me often, did not take me out often and did not tell me often that I was loved broke my heart. I had made the grave mistake of losing touch with my friends and making his friend circle my own. My life revolved around my partner and his friends. I am grateful for the friends who stayed, but they had their routines, their families, their problems and they obviously did not have enough time for me.

The home situation was tricky as well. I come from a family where marriages are seen as sacred and long-term. The divorce made me feel like an outsider in my own home. I had fought with my family for the sake of my love and now I don’t have both—my love and my family.

Unfortunately, my divorce wasn’t a private heartbreak. My relationship was widely discussed. Hence, the divorce was also a public one. People said that we had disappointed them. The failure of my marriage was discussed at family weddings and gatherings and even at my grandmother’s funeral. My friends and extended family thought it was okay to talk about my divorce and casually make remarks about it in my presence. Some friends and relatives, who knew what I was going through, did not know what to say to me. They chose to be silent observers. As if my life was a drama or a film. I had no one to talk to, no place where I could take refuge to release my emotions.

The loneliness and isolation also took a toll on my physical health. In the initial days, I would get panic attacks. I lost the will to eat meals. Then severe depression crept in. Even basic activities like getting up in the morning, brushing my teeth, combing my hair and taking a shower seemed like monumental tasks.

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One day, I decided it was enough. In mid-2022, I took charge of my mental health and started therapy. It helped me deal with my emotions. It helped me embrace my issues and not run away from them. Though there is a stigma attached to therapy and I was reluctant initially, but it helped me immensely.

It helped me understand the importance of prioritising my mental well-being. It helped me understand that it’s important to maintain boundaries and not allow people in your life who judge you or have no inclination to help you. It gave me the strength to realise that I don’t owe an explanation to anybody.

I learnt how to deal with my loneliness. I have taken charge of my life. I no longer hesitate to sit in a café alone. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I have learnt to love myself.

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Therapy sessions helped me understand that you don’t necessarily need a partner for you to feel loved. Love also means to care for yourself in the absence of anyone. I gathered the strength to meet my friends and also made new ones. These new connections helped me rebuild my life and I no longer yearn for those who did not choose me.

I chose healing which was the most difficult part. But once I focused on healing, eventually everything worked out well for me. The toughest part of the divorce was not just losing my partner but also losing a version of myself that had once existed in that relationship. Now I live a life that is unapologetically mine. It’s not that I have stopped grieving, but I see every day as an opportunity to work on myself. In hindsight, my divorce helped me discover a better version of myself that I didn’t know existed.

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(This appeared in print as 'Love Bites, Love Kills')

(This article appeared in Outlook’s Valentine’s Day 2025 special issue on love and loneliness in the era of technology.)apex gaming88